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The Fifty Shades Trilogy by EL James | Book Review

In Books on 02/07/2012 at 1:05 AM

I fail to understand why people are running around like headless chickens left, right and center all because of The Fifty Shades Trilogy by E L James. Fifty Shades mania has hit the human population at an alarming force, a force so strong enough to have E L James sitting on a nice 10 million…. so far. If you have no idea what Fifty Shades is then you have either, a) been living under a rock for the past few months or b) been living under a rock for the past few months.

I have a lot to say about these book; They are badly written, the characters are only skin deep, in fact the only person we actually know (a bit about) is Christian Grey and even he is hard to figure out. James also makes things happen way to fast to even make sense, how is it that Anastasia and Grey fall “deeply” in love despite all and then get married in the space of 3 months or was it less? That is acceptable in The Twilight Saga but James is on about real life and stuff like that – don’t happen in real life. Frankly that is all there actually is to the trilogy. When people talk about the books of The Fifty Shades Trilogy they go on as if they are immaculate. Guess what? People lie.

Don’t get me wrong, the books do have some good points (which are almost deemed irrelevant because of the major bad point). The books in the trilogy are addictive times infinity, you want to read on and on and on; I stayed up till 5 am reading Fifty Shades Darker. Yes it’s that addictive! James also features a lot of repetition, like Anastasia always biting her bottom lip and the lines e.g. “laters baby” and “we aim to please”. Talking about lines, James has really powerful, shocking, jaw dropping lines. The best one being, “Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck…hard”. What kills it about this line is the sentence structure, the ellipsis and full stop instead of a coma. It makes you imagine how that line is being said, like Christian is thinking about how to best describe how he “fucks” like it’s too hot to say it in a normal way. I bet you my eyesight that everyone agrees that, that line is amazing, in fact it’s probably one of the best things about the whole trilogy.

There is also the mystery that hangs over Christian Grey like a dark cloud, why is he so called fifty shades of fucked up? Why does he not like to be touched? What exactly happened to him as child? And Christian’s multi person disorder… wait that isn’t much of a mystery it’s just plain annoying, if I was Ana I would have long killed his over bearing self. And then there is of course what sets Fifty Shades apart from all the other books out right now. What has everyone so ready and hot over these books. The reason why the same girls who would have never ever pick up a book, now have their head buried in one. Sex. Without sex then The Fifty Shades Trilogy would just be, another “I love you” “I love you too” never dying love, Romeo and Juliet situation. Sex, is the unique selling point of this series and don’t let anybody tell you differently. When I say sex I don’t mean the norm. I’m talking about some “kinky fuckery” (also a line in the book), handcuffs, whips, some next fuckery.  But the thing is the “kinky fuckery” that attracted you to the book in the first place, does not go past the first book. It just turns to sex. So after Fifty Shades of Grey the trilogy really does turn into just another “I love you” “I love you too” never dying love, Romeo and Juliet situation.

I could go on and on about what makes the books crap. But because we don’t have a century I’m going to go straight for the money shot; the number one reason, why I’m calling, utter bullshit to The Fifty Shades Trilogy. You ready for it?

THE BOOKS HAVE NO (GOOD) PLOT.

There. I’ve said it. Argue with me all you want but after you take a deep breath and really think about it you will most probably find that I am absolutely right. What kind of well written, number 1 New York Bestselling piece of literature does not have a (good) plot? The first book Fifty Shades of Gray is okay, the story is as solid as it needs to be – an emotionally broken, control freak gazillionaire entices a young innocent relatively poor, brave girl into a BDSM relationship. It’s interesting, original, Okay, alright…. “Love it”. You put down the first go on to the next one and you’re like, “wait, what? What happened to the plot?” The book turns into some “let’s work out our differences situation” that happens in real life all you have to do is watch Judge Judy to see that shit.

James takes the last two books and turns them into dramatic nothingness; First and foremost the whole thing happens in the space of a week or so. Drama is all around them; James tries to create a dramatic something something every night. Like the crap with Leila and Jack and freakin’ Charlie Tango blowing up or whatever the hell it did. Anastasia and Christian are always arguing or mad at each other about something. This is how the book goes – Problem created, problem solved. Problem created, problem solved and so on and son on for the last two books. It’s like an endless cycle of predicted bullshit. You get to the third book and you’re thinking that maybe this one will be better and then you feel like slapping yourself for actually thinking that, because once again Fifty Shades Freed is a black hole, of nothingness.

You get bored of Ana and Christian arguing so much, it’s so melodramatic. There’s that scene when Ana tells Christian that she’s pregnant and it is so bland. I read somewhere that that was almost the climax of the books (there is no climax because there is no (good) plot) and that you could almost taste the tension and what not from the characters. The only thing I could taste was the orange juice I was drinking whilst reading that part. Then when Christian comes home all drunk and Ana finds a text from Mrs Robinson and Ana goes on about it like it’s the end of the world and she doubts if she could stay with him, E L James presents this through a long dramatic monologue about if Ana can ever overcome Christian’s betrayal. I was reading it and I was like “Ana please, don’t piss me off” which is probably what I was doing for most of the books. And, I almost forgot this. Ana kept on referring to her subconscious and her inner goddess, and it’s annoying, if I was her, I would kill myself because I would have two voices in my head just talking utter crap all the time. However, this is something that you can easily get over.

James failed to build up suspense, mystery, she failed to give The Fifty Shades Trilogy the kind of vibe it needed, failed to develop characters, failed to write a decent book and boy did she fail miserably. If The Fifty Shades Trilogy was not closely linked to twilight then no one would be crying over how good it is. In fact if I was, Stephanie Meyers I would sue for my cut of the profits for being free publicity to an embarrassment to literature. It may be different for what else is there, it may have some good points but the lack of a (good) plot ruins everything.

Thanks for reading, more to come.

 

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